Hey,

So I'm posting this after YLTC 2013. It was truly rejuvenating. I got the chance to interact with IP kids from NJ and put all the unhappy things about my class behind me.

I was in Group 4 - The Vikerz. They are funny, eccentric, helpful and easy to get along with (: I guess it's because 6 out of 9 of them are IP and since they're already so bonded, it was easy to integrate Si Qi, Fang Yi and I in! (: The climb was good because we helped each other, and it brought out the genuine side of everyone (: it was a good exercise too! We got a really nice instructor too ((: So, the last day of camp, we did a cheer for Ben!!!! Cos he seemed really down that day ): So we cheered him up! Fangerz and I came up with it when we were super high and laughing non stop :P And I hoped he liked it!!! Apparently, he was close to tears :P SEE, IT WAS SO ENJOYABLE THAT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE FAGGOT WAS OUR TEAM IC! Hehe. It was during this trip that I found out that he's super selfish. Whatevs. Not like I care anymore.

OKAY SO, after YLTC, there's preparation for OGL camp!! Merchandise came on 27th Dec and I went there early to collect the logistics! Saw Ben cos he was there for school tours test or some sort. So, after he was done, he called me to ask if I'm still in school and I told him to come to the SL even tho there wasn't anything for him to do! :P BUT GUESS WHAT. THE MERCHANDISE ARRIVED JUST AT THE SAME TIME HE REACHED THE SL!!! hehe and he had to help us pack till 8+ at night :P I bet he won't ever call me again :P During the packing, I think I called him YOM YOM by accident :P and Sean was calling him that the whole night :P and Martin, Adeline, Bo and I were supposed to dinz. But then, they wanted to eat near school which wasn't otw home for Bo and I. And Mr Teo offered us a ride home in the direction of J8, and Bo asked me to join him since he didn't want to walk :P UGH. Worst car ride ever. Mr Teo asked us if we were an item. Bleh. Like it had anything to do with him. So we decided to go Nex for dinner. We had the ji pai and popiah at the sky garden! It was a different dining experience! I liked it a lot (: We talked about a bunch of stuff and I really had fun (: I think cos it's really fun and mentally stimulating talking to him :D

HAHA. that's all I have for now! Ciao!

So, today is Markus' Birthday.
Happy Birthday...
He flew back to Germany exactly a year ago... We've known each other for exactly a year.. and today would've been our one year anniversary if we were still together.

We got to know each other at British Council during a 2 week english composition course. We were too shy to initiate a conversation during the first week.. but on monday of the second week, i decided to man up and talk to him.. starting with Kiel. Since it was the only Germany related place I knew cos Kim and Sav were there at that time. So.. it went like... "do you stay in Kiel?" "No, munich" and we talked about a bunch of stuff at the cafeteria on the first floor of BC. But at that time, I was getting used to his accent and trying to make sense of what he was saying and... I didn't even catch 50% of what he said :P The rest of the week pretty much passed like that.. talking during class and lunch and after class.. Lessons were really interesting cos it was funny how he tried all ways just to sit beside me and soon the 2 of us just focused on each other and not on Mr Mick Reid anymore :P on the last day though, 22 June, one day before his bday, Felix Michael, Saho and I decided to celebrate his bday. Felix bought a cake from Juccheim and I distracted him before class so that they can prepare the cake. Yeap he was surprised and that was the day we got together at night.. He recorded a song he played for me Yiruma-A river flows in you before he left and I cried like schitt.

Anyways, i really wanted to sustain a long term relationship with him at the start.. but after awhile... i realised that it wasn't possible at all. I knew that we were gonna break up one day..

6 months later when he came to SG for holiday (after insisting and quarrelling with his parents that he has to come) and we went out on dates and stuff... loved it. but on the last day of our "date" i prepared him about the prospect of us breaking up. Lots of water works...

As the days went by after he left... I had even more of the feeling that the relationship won't work out...

When school started... I didn't let anyone know that I have a boyfriend... simply because I wanted to leave my options open (BITCH!) and I didn't wanna let the news spread so I think he guessed the reason and it hurt him a lot. The thing about JC is that... I got to know many types of guys here. The sensitive one, the jerk one, and those who tease. This made me realise that I don't know Markus very well. Yes, he's nice.. but that's only to me as far as I can tell because I'm his gf. Moreover, it's different finding out about the person from experiencing it first hand than him telling you about himself... Plus. i didn't want to tie him down and similarly, I didn't want to be tied down. So that was when i seriously started to rethink our relationship and consider breaking up with him. I confided in Isaac Wong about this. Er, not much to tell. SO. told Markus about it and we went on trial. Broke up on 16 February. And he played me another song Yiruma - Kiss the rain.

He still kept in contact with Theodora after the break up and they talked about me occasionally. Until earlier in June (6 June) when he finally told her that he's over me.

I'm so happy for him. He can finally find someone else better, someone else who will treasure him better than I did. He's a great guy and... yea.. he needs that someone who will treasure him...

But anyways, all the lovebirds right now like Tang&Sav, Tan&Kris is making me jealous of their relationship and guilty that I took for granted what we had..

So when I wished him happy birthday just now and striked a convo with him.. I get half hearted replies and he takes long to reply me.. So I guess.. it really shows that he's over me. Au contraire to what Theodora thinks about him faking it. Thing is, I'm not used to being treated like that.. I'm always his priority and now... the feeling sucks. But I should let him go.. and stop holding on to the past.. wish him well on his future endeavours.

Soon, I'll be nothing but a distant and painful memory. But that's the way it should be.. and it should remain that way.

Markus, Happy 17th Birthday once again.. Thank you for the wonderful memories and for attending to me first all the time.. Thanks for being such a great confidant, keeping my secrets, cheering me up and telling me things would turn out alright.. Thank you.. And I'm so sorry I broke you heart all the same. I'm happy that you have moved on, really. But you'll find out in time to come that the break up is worth it cos you'll find someone else who will truly appreciate you. I hope you excel in whatever you do. Goodbye my dear.

Hey! I'm officially out of climbing and I'm in PA now.

At the start, I was dreadful about leaving climbing. How shall I describe them... the first people I had fun with, the first people where i felt i could be myself.. and the first group of people i felt had the potential of becoming close to... went for camp with them first and i had loads of fun getting to know all of them... especially during our "night hike". And subsequently when i realised that 4 of us going to Maldives were climbers.. until shao tian quit, i really thought we could be close. But... I guess.. it's all turning out differently.

At first, with the responsibilities of council, I was afraid that I cant manage. But after watching our seniors compete at onsight, i felt really motivated to climb and persevere. That was until i had a 1 year MC from climbing from the Doc. I guess MG caught wind of my original intention of quitting and just told me straight off to quit once i presented her with the MC.

I will definitely miss all the crap from the sluts in climbing (:

So, I was really dubious of PA at first... I didnt know if i could have fun again.. But i was proven wrong yet again. The people there are really cute and funny and THEY ARE QUITE THE GENTLEMEN. IM SURPRISED. HAHA. It's basically a male dominated CCA. So far... I've only seen Clare and I :P haha. the rest are scholars :P

I'm really impressed by Shiau. Did I mention that he knows Jen E? haha alright anyways. he looks really scary, and dao. BUT GUESS WHAT. no he isn't. not scary at all. and not dao. DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER SHANE. HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU LEARN THIS LESSON. haha. yeap. and his leadership skills and whatever scouts skills he learnt turned out to be really helpful and useful esp for the BBQ on the second night ((: Oh, and he's funny too. with all the LMFAO and stuff. So anyways, heard he has a gf?

Yeap i'm a big slut. wanted to have a fling. i guess im just addicted to being in a relationship. considered Fang's proposal. haha. no. guys first. really really wanna... but... seems like i cant. and the fact that im getting all jealous for no reason?? chill shane... he isnt even mine to begin with and it will probably end up really badly with me..

I was just really tempted to offer him. but. thank god i found out before i could do anything stupid and ruin the friendship ((: yes. and i dont wanna come across as despo or loose or anything like that. so. thank god i didnt breathe a word about it.

But im still jealous.

lesson to learn here. is that. i gotta keep my raging hormones in check! haha

Hey...

it seems like i've come to enjoy blogging lately.. i guess it's because i'm able to pen down my thoughts knowing that there'll be no one to judge...

So, in secondary school, all i had was sailing. I never took part in anything else nor did i care about anything else because my goal was just to do exceptionally well for O levels. So, I felt empty inside.. because I had nothing to do but study unlike Kim who had to juggle CCA, academics and international competitions. When i see how motivated and focused kim was despite her busy schedule, she became my role model and she helped me realise something - I can accomplish anything if i set my mind to it and still have outstanding academic results with proper time management - and that's how i started my SH1 life.

I signed up for rock climbing(now to PA), council, SISC, Maldives, yet... i feel nothing but emptiness again. I could understand why i felt empty in the past, when all I had was sailing and acads. But now? I have everything I could have ever asked for.. but why's this emptiness still lingering in my heart? This gaping hole which i want to fill so bad. Is this the reason why i get into relationships so impulsively just to fill my emotional void?

Initially, I loved getting to meet so many new people... climbing, council, maldives, SISC, class, OG. But over time... I had to choose between my friends cos of duty or any other reason. and choosing sucks. So i found out that i don't really belong anywhere after while cos people have already built strong friendships when i ditched them. You see, I don't belong to the maldives clique who are very closely knitted now, nor do i fit into climbing cos i recently quit, nor my OG since we've drifted apart significantly, nor SISC cos i barely know them, nor council cos of my "too cool for you" vibe or so i've heard, nor my class cos i always chose maldives over them. But as soon as i realised that i was floating in the middle of nowhere with weak connections everywhere, i realised i needed friends i was close to. people i could rely on, somewhere where i could be happy and enjoy. So, i started making an effort to spend more time connecting with my class and all's good so far (: thank goodness ((:


However, as usual, the nostalgic piece of me would always miss Isaac. Not seeing him so often in school these few weeks does not help rest my case at all. I'm only left wondering about where he could be and what he could be doing, and hoping it's not gambling again. Then i found out from my OG mate that there are 2 other girls who like him so far.. I was jealous because they had the opportunity to get to know and interact with him... but not me.... Then i start regretting all the things i've done in maldives... what i could've done and shouldn't have done...

All i can say now is... now he's just somebody that i used to know... it hurts.

On the other hand.. it seems like im hanging out more and more with eugene and michael ((: awesome people they are (: but.. some part of me would always wonder again... isaac and i could've been this close...

I've sacrificed a friendship... because of my impulsiveness and i'm truly regretting it so much that it's haunting me... so i really hope that alan doesn't make the same mistake as me!!!!!!

anyway anyway... I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET KIM ON WEDNESDAY FOR SOME SERIOUS EMOTIONAL DETOX SESSION <3

"Alfred: Took quite a fall, didn't we, master Bruce?
Thomas Wayne: Yes, and why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up" - Andrew Tan, twitter ;)

Well, looking at the bright side of things, I'm learning how to pick myself up after a great fall, one of the many in years to come.

So, I just wanna apologise for ignoring all the "stay strong" messages.. because honestly... i can't think of any response to that.. was i supposed to say thanks for that moment of sincerity? because i bet i would've been forgotten right after they clicked the "send button" was i supposed to promise them that i'll not crumble under all this, that i'll still remain committed, enthusiastic and driven? because I'm not sure how the rest of my term in council will look like, i haven't even tested the dynamics of our teamwork.. so how am i supposed to promise anything? or was i supposed to reassure them that i'm fine? because i cant bring myself to lie. Are they looking for a certain response? or were they merely trying to console me? why? who are these people who consoled me? friends? or acquaintances? were they sincere? or were they just saying it for the sake of trying to smoothen things out between us so that we can work better in future?

Anyway, all the "stay strong" messages from yesterday till this afternoon got me thinking... what if i was never strong? what if I'm weak, lonely and empty inside and this is just a facade that I'm putting up? will "carry on this strong facade" work better than "stay strong" for me? Perhaps. I often doubt myself after each series of water work. Only time will tell if this is all merely an act...

So, just to sum up. my purpose in joining council was to serve the school. At least, i still have that opportunity to do so. The bottom line has always been the students. So, they'll be my motivation, my drive.

It's been 3 years since I've last posted, mainly because of my busy schedule and the never ending piles of homework. Not to mention trainings, competitions, helping out for regattas and volunteer work during the holidays.

So, to sum up, in 2010 (sec 2) I converted to byte right after opti interschools. The weekends and tuesday to thursday after my conversion were spent training hard to get into National Squad. Hard work paid off and in June 2011 I received my invitation into the National Byte Squad, where the new intakes (including myself) renamed it "The Last Byte National Squad". We had psychology talk by none other than Azrul and Gym sessions by the famous JULIAN (: who was later replaced by Jeremy. It was a dying class really, since there were no more international byte competitions for us to take part in, Jackson began pushing forth a "Laser 4.7 squad" with the aim of converting all of the current squad to laser 4.7 sailors. That was the time I decided that I was not cut out for lasers due to my small physique and decided to convert to 420 with my crew Rachel Lim instead (: we took part in the Noss regatta 3 days after our conversion just aiming to learn more from competition and i can proudly say that we achieved our goal and actually surpassed the expectations i set for myself. 2 months after training without commitment was when i realised that we really couldn't work out because we hardly even train together and we missed our "peak" so to speak. So, February 2012 was when we stopped training completely and it also marked the new term where I was officially out of Nationals. At the time that we quit, people like Theodora, Harvey, Amos, Louisa, Melissa have already started training on 4.7 and are already preparing for Argentina ((:

So the thing is, I was really glad i got to know Rachel better.. because, before that, my life was focused solely on sailing and i thought it was my "only way out"... after Rachel however, i straightened out and focused more on academics. So... I'm really grateful to Rachel for knocking some sense into me. Which is how i landed myself in National Junior College after O levels.. also, after being rejected twice by ACSI. First time was DSA and the second was during the JAE admission because i just reached their cut off of 5 points. And yet i have no idea how I got into NJC as well but I'm glad i did. At that time, i cried a shit load after receiving a call from my OGL Nicole regarding my Orientation group the next day. But oh well. life goes on.

So, orientation started off with a bang. OG 21 FTW (: But anyway, i realised that NJC taught their students moral values, something which i find lacking in myself sometimes. That was when i fell in love with NJC. moment where i decided to serve the school to the best of my abilities through student council. I'll get to that later. I met many great friends in my OG. More significantly, Isaac Wong, Hui Wen, Daryl Chan, Kian Meng, Bryan Teo, You Jin and Ya Xun. Isaac Wong, my greatest regret. Something about him just pulls me to him. Maybe his vibe... I don't know. Honestly, he didn't strike me as the most dashing person in the OG. But i guess he had a badass/rebellious streak that i really liked and I just felt comfortable around him, I enjoy being around him and needless to say, I was usually happy around him. At first, it started out platonic, and i do believe it has always been platonic, but anyway, it was platonic and i found myself really intrigued by him. I mean, what guy sings, plays the guitar, drums, basketball, soccer and can do equally well in Languages and Science?? OH, and did i mention he's a badass in pool and card games? yeap. he taught me how to play pool. And he's a damn good teacher at that. During rock climbing camp actually, after night "absailing", i just randomly called him to just talk to him about what i've done and the scary night walk i've just experienced with isaac lim. I guess, what i felt for him was something like idolism. But after awhile, people start speculating about us being together and i was really cool with it.. in a way, i didn't care and i just shrugged it off cos i felt it was really impossible and gross for us to end up together. But... after awhile, it really gets to you... you know? that's when i started doubting myself and yeap. that's where shit happened.

In between OG, Maldives, rock climbing and my new class, i get so confused over who i've just met and its really embarrassing to mix people up!! I'm really sorry!!!!!

So, he somehow managed to squeeze himself into the Maldives OVIA and i was ecstatic, really ecstatic. But that was also when people somehow managed to convince me that i liked Isaac. and my reaction and feelings towards that really screwed up my whole Maldives experience. I was just sad, and confused so i didnt enjoy myself, neither was i open minded enough to make friends with the other girls and guys. So, at the end of maldives, while others gained great friends and bros, i was left with even more confusion and self doubt. To make matters worse, i freaking confessed to him 2 days after returning from maldives. what the fuck shane. i mean, i didnt even sort out my feelings and i behaved so irrationally. that was how i screwed things up yet again. Anyway, things have been awkward since and we've been avoiding each other until now. 3 MAY WTF. i think i scared him off. Thinking that yea, im cool that you dont like me back that way. and i start acting all high around him again. so, i realised that well, he needed some space and yea.. we start avoiding each other. While i have no idea when or if things can ever revert back to the way it was, i just want to express my regret, guilt, and sorrow right here. because, its been haunting me for the first few weeks when we came back... "we could've been bros", "what if i was more rational?", "what if i didnt let other people influence my feelings? we could've been.....

But all this is pointless now. what's done is done. Anyway, rock climbing. I was very enthusiastic about it at first. but... weeks later i found out that maybe im not really cut out for rock climbing and the thought of quitting did cross my mind. However, i decided that i wasnt a quitter, even with council and SISC and academics. However, when i visited Dr Lai a month later, my bunion condition worsened to the point where i experienced pain and hence, i was given a year MC from rock climbing so that i can delay operation till after A levels. Anyway, MG just told me to quit directly and here i am... hanging by a thread, waiting for Mr Mazalan to approve of my addition into the PA family so i can start duties ASAP.

Council. Along the way after orientation, especially during elects camp, i've forgotten who i am, what im here for and why the fuck am i acting like a pussy that's so afraid of saying the politically wrong thing. I guess that's how i lost the house captain position. Here i am again, feeling unjustified. i wanna cry it all out, but the tears wont fall. I wanna scream and get it all out of my chest, but my voice won't cooperate. I wanna wake up from this dream, but its a reality. It hurts to say the least. and to a certain extent, i feel that he's incompetent. but after tonight, i figure that im even more incompetent. So the challenge now is for me to remember my drive for the council and work with him cordially for the sake of the house, for the sake of the school and put our differences aside. And to a large extent, i feel like I've let down all my friends who were backing me up. Im so sorry....

UGH. LET ME RANT IT ALL OUT.
BITCH PLEASE. YOU CALL YOURSELF A HOUSE CAPT WHEN YOU WENT AROUND BITCHING ABOUT ME? YOU FUCKING WUSS. PUTTING UP A FACADE JUST FOR COUNCIL. AND TEXTING ME TO COMFORT ME AFTER ALL THE BITCHING. FUCK OFF. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOURSELF.

I can't break under all this. I have to stay strong. I have to tolerate. and i swear if he gives me more bullshit. I WILL FUCKING BOUNCE BACK STRONGER YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

but there's this premonition that everything will crumble... and the future for terra looks bleak because i can't work with him at all... who knows. i was wrong once, i can be wrong again... who knows... i might like isaac, i might not.